TEAM JACWARD

The long awaited release of the third Twilight movie, Eclipse, remains relatively successful at the box office with sales up to $162 million after only five days. This figure is somewhat disappointing however, considering it falls a few million dollars behind the previous Twilight film, New Moon. Not to worry, the more important pressing issue is being addressed: Team Edward or Team Jacob?

Social activist fast food chain, “Burger King” seems to be taking this century long debate seriously with it’s new advertising campaign: “The BK Eclipse game.” In an effort to decide who is a more suitable bachelor, Robert Pattinson or Taylor Lautner, Burger King brings in “real Team Edward and Team Jacob members” to plead their case to swing voters who are simply trying to enjoy their Whopper Jr. at BK.

How “real” is the scene? The quality of the acting leads one to believe these campaign members may not be professional performers. However, it is still unclear.

Highlights: teenage girls persuade elderly men one way or the other by addressing major points such as; “you can pet Jacob,” a huge plus!! Or, “Edward has had over 100 years to learn how to love” and everyone knows practice makes perfect. And wrapping up with the rhetorical (?) question; “who would you rather have your granddaughter date: a werewolf or a vampire? To which and old man respectfully replies, “neither.” It is something to think about though.

Everyone knows Jacob has an unfair advantage because he is shirtless for a majority of the movie.

On the other hand, Bella loved Edward first. On the other, other hand, Bella is childhood/family friends with Jacob. Back to the first hand, Robert Pattinson and Kristen Stewart are involved in real life, which always excites people.

Hopefully Burger King can get to the bottom of this. If not, we may have to turn to

Wendy’s for reinforcement, which is never pretty.

This Has Really Been A Year For the Books

As we approach America's b-day (don't bother asking how old she is since every year she claims she's 29, which is a lie) and I've been missing in action since April, let's just do a quick wrap of of the recent past so we are all on the same page:

1) The largest oil spill since the Persian Gulf War.

2) Bizarre, inconvenient weather.

3) A lot of financial stuff I don't really understand.

4) More people than ever who were supposed to be our role models turning out to be sexual predators.

(O-KAY, electoral college, you told me so *sigh*.)

5) The most annoying/difficult to pronounce ash spewing volcano, and although this did not happen on US soil, it f-ed up all our flights, made me sound like an idiot whenever I tried to alk about it, and clogged up my inbox with google alerts about volcanoes. Why I'm still getting them everyday at 11:57? I do not know.

6) The season finale of LOST.

7) And most importantly, the most Smirnoff Ices sold, ever.

(Fig 1: Sorority icing)

It seems like since we owe Korea like, $65 Trillion, and more kids are taking Chinese than ever, (will Spanish become a dying high school language?!? What will happen to Senora Price?!?!) the US is just acting out.

If we're simply trying to set records, can't we just eat the world's largest Philly cheesesteak or something and call it a day?

Sloan-out.

Jason Derulo has done it again.

The good that comes from all of this is two fold:

1) it eases the loss I feel about Chris Brown ruining his career

2) this video serves as not only as an expression of dance in front of a dressing room mirror, but also as a honda and iPad commercial.

In other news:

I have decided I will be good in this life so in the next life I can come back as the next Justin Bieber.

Lady Gaga's Alejandro MV was also recently released. However, I must do extensive research on gender roles throughout Latin American history before I tackle that one.

She's sooo weiiiirdd

Divas of the Week: Natural Disasters

After stumbling across this article from January 1st, 2011, I started worrying Y2K style (minus the building a bomb shelter and stocking up on a 3 year supply of canned food, duh because I still have left overs, not to mention I don't even like soup.) It's a time like this, or the 400 ish years surround it, that we have to think about what's really important in life. So here, I face the age old question: should I buy the Apple iPad now? Or wait til the next generation comes out.

Icelandic Volcano Eyjallafjallojokull's drama queen-like behavior is only an indication of what's to come. Other natural disaster are already becoming jealous of all the media attention and are itchy for their 15 minutes of fame. Talk about being famous for being famous...

Is there anything we can do to stop all of this? Mmm, ancient legend seems to point to cat worship. Many years ago I tried this and it did not work mostly because my cat Samantha thinks she is too cool to set aside time for being prayed to. It's not 100% her fault since she spends most of her time trying to make it big as a wall calendar cat model. Although I admire her ambition, this is a huge waste of time considering when asked if Samantha is hot, most cats simply reply “she has a really good personality.”

Dating Jonathan Groff in my Head, and it's Getting Serious...

People across the world are falling head over heels for broadway sexpot Jonathan Groff, best known for his role in Spring Awakening (receiving a Tony for Best Leading Actor in a Musical), In My Life, The Sound of Music but, more importantly, for his role on last night's episode of Glee.

At first it was hard to ignore the firey chemistry between he and co-star Lea Michele, who also performed alongside Groff in Spring Awakening. "There's no way they haven't had sex!" everyone was thinking, "she's definitely not a good enough actress to be faking that."

That is, until wikipedia crushed my heart by confirming Jonathan (yes, we're on a first name basis) is openly gay. Although the thought had crossed my mind, I quickly dismissed it and blamed it on his tight black v-neck but alas... I was right all along.

So the good news is... he doesn't have a girlfriend. This basically means there is still a chance.

Scrabbdiculous

If you thought the Scrabulous-, sorry, Lexulous lawsuit was wack, just wait until you hear this:

According to MSNBC, "Mattel announced plans to release a new version of the popular word game in Britain. That version, to be unveiled in the next few months, will allow celebrity names and other proper nouns to garner points." Luckily, President Barack Obama deemed this illegal in America. The text can be found near the end of the Health Care Reform Bill.

What is and what is not allowed in Scrabble has, and should always be decided by each individual family. For example, we grew up believing; streets we've lived on and names of funny looking family friends are always fair game. How can we throw in celebrities and other proper nouns on top of that? Do we look like animals to you Milton Bradley?!

Not to mention what this will do the dictionary industry! Ruin the economy, why don't you? Who needs this large book of random words when you can get People Magazine for $3.99 at CVS? Reps from Merriam Webster responded, "no comment."

With that I will ask you to sign my petition to allow only celebrity baby names. The enemy will think this is a compromise, but will become angry when they realize they were tricked since all names of celebrities' children are nouns anyway.

THIS is Serious

Sloanehenge Interactive Seriousness Poll:

Which is more serious?

-OR-

Tootsie Pops without the stick (which is obviously the most annoying part) vs. Limited Edition coconut M&Ms ?!?!?!? Both are total game changers...