Let Down of the Centur-ino

Ever since the fateful day I won The Adventures of Mary-Kate and Ashley: The Case of Thorn Mansion from under a Nantucket Nectar cap (Grape-ade- only the best flavor, duh... is it grape? is it ade? no one knows) , I have been obsessed with the Olsen Twins. Sure I loved them in Full House, but let's be real, I was always more a Stephanie than a Michelle. Count the facts: 1) Jodie Sweeten had awful teeth... I had awful teeth. 2) Stephanie's name starts with an S, my name starts with and S. 2) Stephanie had severe middle-child syndrome, and even though I am not the middle child, my mom loves Evan so much more, that I too have self-diagnosed middle-child syndrome.

But in due time,the Olsen's headed a multi-million dollar conglomerate... while Jodie Sweetin headed a meth lab. Since I'm also a career driven woman, and I think meth is a homeless person drug, I switched over. Not to mention, I got braces and a myriad of other orthodonture, so 2/3s of the common denominators have been eliminated. Olsentwins4lyfe.

If 4lyfe you mean, until today, July 8th, 2009 (07-08-09 COOL). I SAW ASHLEY OLSEN. IN THA FLESH. I know, I know, in the 6th grade I told all you guys that I was on the same cruise to the Caribbean as MK&A, but if I can come clean for a minute without being judged; that never happened. I was not, I repeat, was not on the same Caribbean cruise as the Olsen Twinswinter break 1999. In fact, I was never on the same Caribbean cruise as anyone... Every one knows Arthur Greenberg gets sea sick!

Furthermore, when I was dragged to DC to go on college tours when Evan was a junior and was bored out of my mind (so uncultured back then, ugh) I pretended I was in the next MKA movie. I was obviously the wacky friend who wore butterfly clips (because those were hawt! that month) and ran through the streets of DC meeting bros and saving the museum or the world or something like that. The plot was (in my head) very similar to Passport to Paris except in DC instead of France. Now that I think about it, it was similar to Holiday in the Sun and Billboard Dad as well... I like to list things in threes but I can't think of another Olsen Movie sooo deal with two. (side note: the kid who played the step bro in Billboard Dad was AT MY APARTMENT last week wooo! Celeb spotting cen-tral-ay). Anyway, yes it was weird, but so was baton twirling and I did that as well until the seventh grade so, all's well that ends well I suppose.

BUT it didn't end well. Because now I'm soo over the Olsen Twins once and for all and I feel like my whole childhood was a sham. The same girl who was SOOO hot in Holiday in the Sun

(I believe the scene where the bro realizes he's in love with her sparked my first pre-teen eating disorder... which lasted all of 10 minutes until Linda brought home "Pizza Palooza" otherwise known as "Pizza-fa-loosahs..." I could never resist PFL) stood in front of me not only plainer than I imagined, but a little schlubbish.

I don't mean to be a traitor to the stars of our generation or anything, but WTF. I guess most child stars go through this bizarre transformation duhhh Michael Jackson and then I guess Rudy from The Cosby Show became a porn star but I know if that DC MKA movie ever happened anywhere outside of my head, I coulda handled it. I mean, look at Shia LaBeouf and Frankie Muniz. They woulda been mah boyyyyz.

Whatever, I guess the point is, when I was young I would have said: if I ever meet either Olsen Twin, (even though I was always Mary Kate HELLO) I would die happy. But I change my mind because really, it was the most anti-climatic celebrity spotting of my life. Even less than when I saw Debra Messing at the gym in the New Jersey Marriot BEFORE Will and Grace even started. The world only knew her as "Stacy" from "Ned and Stacy." I had never seen "Ned and Stacy," but I was more excited to see her than I was Ashley, simply because she played a character allegedly had the same name as me.

SLOANED