Google Wave: What Are You?

A poem by Sloan Greenberg

Google Wave, what are you?

I put you as a bookmark

But literally have no idea what you do.

I can never tell if my contacts are on-line

I just always assume they aren't

because I have less than nine.

Google Wave is a mystery to me. Apparently it's going to be the next greatest thing in instant messaging but, I'm not convinced.

Number one, it's confusing. Number two, one of the features is that people can see what you're typing without pressing send. In other words, it's like livetype (I think I made that up) and what if you're a bad speller? That's just embrarassing.

I know it's still in the beta version but, so is Farmville and that seems to be working just fine for everyone.

Back... Again

Per usuale I made a commitment and per usuale, I broke it. Since I was taking 17 credit hours this semester and in fact, am not smart enough to do that, blogging was the first thing to let go.

Good news: I took my last final today. It was bio ughh, the worst class on the planet.

Bio, Ughh.

A Play in One Act

INT. Lab Science Building (which took me 25 minutes to find)- DAY

Me:

I just don't understand. I go to every class,

take notes, do the reading, come to office hours,

and somehow still got a 46 on the test.

My TA

Well, it seems to me like you're doing the

bare minimum.

Me

The bare minimum? THE BARE MINIMUM?

What, do you want me to dissect a

fetal pig in my spare time?

My TA

I suppose that would be a start.

But now, I'm officially a part time student! I guess this means I have no excuse not to graduate on time...

Anyway, point is: I'm not going to promise I'll write more, because then, inevitably, I won't. But MAYBE.

What I Do at School

Thank you to Oasis, my blackberry, and the guy at the Verizon Store who gets the food crumbs out of my trackball without judging me or telling anyone about it. For without them, this would not have been possible.

On a Scale of 1-10, How Socially Acceptable is it to...

Own a Snuggie (also known as a Slanket, also known as a backwards bathrobe)

Scale says: a 10!! I'd go so far as to say it's socially unacceptable to not have one! I'm in one right now. IT'S EFFIN AWE-SOME.

The Slanket

-noun

a knockoff version of the Snuggie.

Other than the fact that the name is arguably funnier, Why would I pay 45.95 for the knockoff when I can get the original for $14.99 at CVS?

Personally, I've only seen the Slanket in my favorite publication still in print: Skymall. Can I ask a serious question? Does the president and CEO of SkyMall really think she can get away with claiming her name is Christine Aguilera? Someone should really tell her that if she insists on creating a Latino pop singing alias, she should have at least chosen someone like Enrique Iglesias. People trust him way more.

On a Scale of 1-10, How Socially Acceptable is it to...

Continue wearing Blublocker sunglasses even though you had them before The Hangover came out

Okay here is the issue: a lot of people got them BECAUSE it was really funny when Zach Galifianakis put them on the baby in The Hangover. But if you had them before (as I did) will people think you're just a huge poser? May-be.

I can't say I'm not an offender. After seeing Juno for the second time, I googled "sunglasses Ellen Page wore in Juno" and then immediately ordered them from urbanoutfitters.com.

I think that's soo different though, because I didn't get them to be trendy. I got them because Ellen Page and I have similar shaped faces and coloring and they looked good on her. I probably would have tried to buy her whole wardrobe if she hadn't been so poorly dressed.

Since I broke the Ellen-Page-Juno-Sunglasses in July along with any other pair of shades I've ever owned, well, all I've got left are my Blublockers. So, do I risk it? Or just squint 'til mid October?... About a 5

On A Scale of 1-10, How Socially Acceptable is it to...

wear sunglasses if you're significantly less attractive without them?

Scale says: 1.

Be yourself! It's almost as bad as photoshopping your facebook profile picture.

The '1' represents time spent in the car. Chances are, if you're driving me around, I probably know what you really look like. I never get in cars with strangers.

There's nothing worse than wasting 15 minutes of your time talking to someone you think is hot, then watching them take their shades off and being like WTF.

On a Scale of 1-10, How Socially Acceptable is it to...

Wear Abercrombie and Fitch

Check your calendar. If it's after the December 2003, then a zero.

I know that it was a big part of some of our lives (cough, Becky Kaganov), but so was "The OC" until season 3 and we all let that go two episodes into season 4 (at the latest). To put it into perspective, you're a babysitter. If A&F's bedtime is 10 pm, it's already 1 am... the next day.

Abercrombie and Fitch is a great example of one of those fads that all you have to do is add an E on the end. Fad + E = Fade. And no, that E is not referring to ecstasy. In fact, I'm not sure what the E stands for but regardless, the point I'm trying to make is simple: just because LFO writes a song about something, doesn't mean it can last forever.

More evidence: "Girl on TV" was about Jennifer Love Hewitt's career.

This is a true life record of how the conversation went when LFO first serenaded me with Summer Girls:

Yeah...I like it when the girls stop by.. In the summer

So, if I were to stop by say, in November, would that not work for you? Okay, let's shoot for *thumbs through datebook* July 9th? Okay, July 9th for now, but it's really gonna depend on my unpaid summer internship, oh, and when my parents want to go to the Cape. So, I'll let you know.

Do you remember, Do you remember? When we met, last summer??

I mean, it was like a month ago, so yes, I recall.

New Kids On The block,had a bunch of hits

Chinese food makes me sick.

Sucks fo you.

And I think it's fly when girls stop by for the summer,for the summer
I like girls that wear Abercrombie and Fitch,

Yeah, cuz most of them are sloots,, duh.

I'd take her if I had one wish,
But she's been gone since that summer..
Since that summer
Hip Hop Marmalade spic And span,

I respectfully decline to comment.

Met you one summer and it all began
You're the best girl that I ever did see,

Look brosef, I wasn't born yesterday. Unless you've never opened a Victoria Secret catalogue, you're

just lying to get in my pants.

The great Larry Bird Jersey 33

When you take a sip you buzz like a hornet

Billy Shakespeare wrote a whole bunch of sonnets
Call me Willy Whistle cause I can't speak baby

Something in your eyes went and drove me crazy

Oh, just ignore that. It's probably my new acuvue day and night color contacts.

Now I can't forget you and it makes me mad,
Left one day and never came back
Stayed all summer then went back home,

Macauly Culkin wasn't Home Alone

I mean, he was. That's the whole point of the movie...

Fell deep in love,but now we ain't speaking

I got a new phone so I don't have your number. Maybe if you responded to me "Need Numbers" facebook event, we wouldn't have this problem.

Michael J Fox was Alex P Keaton

Now you're just making shit up to rhyme with the word "speaking." Are you high? There's so many

more logical choices: seeking, thinking, freak-a-leaking...

When I met you I said my name was Rich
You look like a girl from Abercrombie and Fitch

New Kids On The block,had a bunch of hits
Chinese food makes me sick.

The more I think about that, the more I realize this really isn't gonna work out. What will we eat on Christmas?Next your gonna tell me you're allergic to movies. I'm already trying to ignore the fact you're not Jewish, but, you really aren't making this easy.

And I think it's fly when girls stop by for the summer,for the summer
I like girls that wear Abercrombie and Fitch,
I'd take her if I had one wish,
But she's been gone since that summer..
Since that summer

Cherry Pez,cold crush,rock star boogie
Used to hate school so I had to play hookie,
Always been hip to the B-boY Style

Known to act wild and make girls smile,

Love New Edition and the Candy Girl
Remind me of you because you rock my world

You come from Georgia where the peaches grow
They drink lemonade and speak real slow

You love hip hop and rock n roll
Dad took off when you were 4 years old

You obviously know nothing about me... This is where I start to think there's another girl, like that time you called me Carla by accident. Plus, you know the only lemonade I'd even drink is crystal light mix!

There was a good man named Paul Revere
I feel much better baby when you're near
You love fun dip and cherry Coke,

I like the way you laugh when I tell a joke

When I met you I said my name was Rich
You look like a girl from Abercrombie and Fitch

In the summertime girls got it going on,
Shake and wiggle to a hip hop song
Summertime girls are the kind I like,
I'll steal your honey like I stole your bike

So that was YOU! Grrr...

Bugaloo shrimp and pogo sticks
My mind takes me back there oh so quick
Let you off the hook like my man Mr. Limpet
Think about that summer and I bug,cause I miss it
Like the color purple,macaroni and cheese,
Ruby red slippers and a bunch of trees

Are you high?

Call you up but whats the use
I like Kevin Bacon,but I hate Footloose

We have nothing in common.

Came in the door I said it before,I think I'm over you
but I'm really not sure

Well, can you make up your mind before I book this flight? I really don't feel like paying the change fee.

When I met you I said my name was Rich
You look like a girl from Abercrombie and Fitch

Needless to say, "Rich" broke up with me January, 2003 because I refused to wear my A&F ripped jeans and jean jacket-with-tha-furrrr-tha-whole-club-was-lookin'-at-hurrr. We haven't spoken since, not even a text, mainly because we never exchanged numbers again after that time I lost my phone.

Sloanehenge, going in a new direction...

Hello (in quoting Lil John and the East Side Boyz) "Lovers and Frieennnnds",

Okay, things that are back "in":

Being at college, Melrose Place, being musically talented (which was really fizzling out after High School Musical 3 left theaters but is making a comeback with "Glee"), fedoras and one shouldered tops/dresses (although I'm not exactly sure why), and most important to us at the moment: themes.

According to a reliable source (my 12-14 year old cousins) it was cool to have a themed bar-mitzvah, then it wasn't, and now it's back. Kind of like Bob Dylan and the Jewish religion.

Also, since I will graduate into the real world soon-ish I feel like I need a little more direction in life. So, the new theme (until I get distracted) will be...

On a scale of 1-10, how socially acceptable is it to: _____

Since I invented the socially acceptable rules back in 1894, I'm really the only qualified candidate and even though I don't really want to, the board has been heckling me for six decades. And frankly, I'm sick of fighting.

The new leaf 'ah turns tomorrow!

Well That's Almost Three Hours I'm Never Getting Back

After five long days including two plane rides, I have finally accomplished the near impossible: I finished (duhn duhn duhhhhhnnn) watching Transformers 2. For the amount of time invested, one would hope I’d be left thinking more than, “how are Megan Fox’s jeans still so white if she keeps rolling around in dirt?”

Don’t get me wrong, who doesn’t like Megan Fox in white jeans? All I’m saying is that, I’m at a point in my life where I would rather spend that 2 hours and 40 minutes (over 5 days, including two plane rides) doing something more productive… like, I dunno, playing snood, or, ordering an autographed James Gandolfini poster from Skymall.

Battle of the Century

From the Desk of

Sloan Greenberg

Dear Safari Web Browser,

I know we've been together for quite some time, in fact, you may be my longest functioning relationship to date. But, with my new 20-something, 20-everything lyfestyle and all, I think we need to talk.

It's not you, it's me. Okay, I guess it's a little bit you. What did you do? Nothing, that's the problem. Other web browsers (who shall remain nameless for now) are frequently asking me if I want new updates, what do you ask me? Huh? If I want to allow this pop-up at this time? It's hardly worth the sentiment... You've really let yourself go and I feel like you don't even care about anything anymore. Do you care about anything?

You're right, it's not just you. There is someone else, if there weren't, I'd have no other choice but to deal with you due to my dependency issues. How else would I get to Wikipedia? His name is Firefox. Yes, the one I used to hate, but now I think I might love... And that's what excites me. He's constantly making himself better and in turn, making me better.

What does he have that you don't have? Um, Stumbleupon for starters! He introduces me to new and exciting things with the click of just one button. What do you have to offer? ... That's what I thought.

And why did you have close unexpectedly when you KNEW I was looking up the symptoms for Swine Flu? You obviously don't care about my health or general well being at all. Were you trying to insinuate that I'm a hypochondriac? That's just insensitive and frankly, rude.

This is not to say we can never work out in the future. I just think you need to take some time to work on you before you can put it on me.

Yours always (except for right now and moving forward),

Sloan Henge Greenberg

"The hottest love has the coldest end." - Socrates

Who would win in a fight to the death: Safari or Firefox?

The old me would have said Safari HANDS DOWN. But we all know how much I've changed and the new me isn't so sure....

You da, you da worst

I want to start by saying if Drake "You Da Best" comes on the radio one more time, I will literally stick my car key in my eye. It's not that I don't like it, it's just reaching absurdity. It's almost at the status of Journey "Don't Stop Believing" at a frat party, "One More Time" at a Bar-Mitzvah occurring in the year 2001, or, anything featuring Lil' Wayne in general. Oh wait, it's Drake feat. Lil' Wayne? ShOcKeR. Not.

Love 'em all but there is only so much I can take. When I realized I could play Daft Punk by ear on the piano, I knew I had been to one Siagel Productions Bar-M too many. Those were the days... But I digress.

Ever since I saw the following video (in the Reveille Review nonetheless) , I can only take the song as seriously as I could take Jessica when she wore a fedora on Tuesday (which is slim to none serious)

hahahahahhahahahahahahahhahahaha

Not to mention, he was the kid in the wheelchair in "Degrassi: the Next Generation" and lastly, Kelia thought the lyrics were "Cutie you Da Best" until Saturday and now every time it comes on, that's all I can hear... sooo three strikes, Drake's out. I don't feel bad for him, he brought two of them upon himself. Kelia brought the third.

Hi Jilli

Hi Sarah

Assorted Flavors

Things that annoy me today:  assorted flavors.

Everyone is different, three cheers for diversity, and so I understand the concept of assorted flavors.  However, this is what annoys me:

I have a new thing for tootsie pops.  I bought a bag of them and when all is said and done I'm like WTF.  Reason being:  I only really like the red ones (ugh I'm so cliche) and I've forced myself to TOLERATE the blue ones but if we're being honest here (and we always are) I only have lukewarm feelings for them.  The chocolate is soo subpar and don't even get me STARTED with the orange.  Gross.  

(note:  above picture is deceiving because the red to other flave ratio is unrealistic.  That would never happen.  Also note that they don't even show more than 2 orange ones because that would bad marketing.)

I'm not a particularly demanding person but this is seriously ridiculous.

For Example, look at Starbursts.  The chances are you're gonna hate at least 50% of them because you're either a red/pink or an orange/yellow.  If they were smart, they'd make packs that contained each of those combos separately Revolutionary, I know.  Just send the check to the Sloanehenge P.O. Box.

A good example: M&M's.  They've have got the right idea, assorted COLORS, un-assorted flave.  Pleasing to the eyes, pleasing to the tongue plus they have good commercials.

And if it's not bad enough that candy  makes single people feel lonely on Valentine's Day, assorted flavors make single people lonely everyday.  Why, you wonder?  Because you get to thinking, "I feel bad throwing out the ones I don't like because there are starving children in Africa... If only I found the perfect guy who likes the orange ones..."  Ya, sure, in my dreams.  Always the bridesmaid, never the bride...

Blue Crush(ed)

Yesterday I went surfing for the first time.  Just to remind everyone: I'm an east coast girl who was cut from 3 Newton South Sports teams in two years.  For those unfamiliar, Newton South is notorious for being bad at sports in the first place due to the influx of white jewish kids.  Also, I was a member of the aforementioned teams in the past and therefore, assumed I'd be grandfathered in.  Apparently the Newton South High School girls field hockey team (an impressive defeated record *opposite of undefeated*) is too exclusive for that practice.  

So here I am, SloanTemplePilot Greenberg in the Pacific Ocean with a long board.  Let's just say I've been better at other things.  I woke up at 5:45am thinking, who's idea was this?  5:45 only comes once a day for this girl.  After I drank half a pot of coffee I was like "fine, I'll go, ughh."  That's a direct quote.  So we had literally a 5 minute lesson before we were thrown to the sharks (no pun intended, but yes, slightly intended).

The Scale:

mmm 

on a scale of 1-10 I'd say I got up a zero. 

 on a scale of 1-10 I'd say I have an 8 of bruises.

All in all a successful failure.

Let Down of the Centur-ino

Ever since the fateful day I won The Adventures of Mary-Kate and Ashley: The Case of Thorn Mansion from under a Nantucket Nectar cap (Grape-ade- only the best flavor, duh... is it grape? is it ade? no one knows) , I have been obsessed with the Olsen Twins. Sure I loved them in Full House, but let's be real, I was always more a Stephanie than a Michelle. Count the facts: 1) Jodie Sweeten had awful teeth... I had awful teeth. 2) Stephanie's name starts with an S, my name starts with and S. 2) Stephanie had severe middle-child syndrome, and even though I am not the middle child, my mom loves Evan so much more, that I too have self-diagnosed middle-child syndrome.

But in due time,the Olsen's headed a multi-million dollar conglomerate... while Jodie Sweetin headed a meth lab. Since I'm also a career driven woman, and I think meth is a homeless person drug, I switched over. Not to mention, I got braces and a myriad of other orthodonture, so 2/3s of the common denominators have been eliminated. Olsentwins4lyfe.

If 4lyfe you mean, until today, July 8th, 2009 (07-08-09 COOL). I SAW ASHLEY OLSEN. IN THA FLESH. I know, I know, in the 6th grade I told all you guys that I was on the same cruise to the Caribbean as MK&A, but if I can come clean for a minute without being judged; that never happened. I was not, I repeat, was not on the same Caribbean cruise as the Olsen Twinswinter break 1999. In fact, I was never on the same Caribbean cruise as anyone... Every one knows Arthur Greenberg gets sea sick!

Furthermore, when I was dragged to DC to go on college tours when Evan was a junior and was bored out of my mind (so uncultured back then, ugh) I pretended I was in the next MKA movie. I was obviously the wacky friend who wore butterfly clips (because those were hawt! that month) and ran through the streets of DC meeting bros and saving the museum or the world or something like that. The plot was (in my head) very similar to Passport to Paris except in DC instead of France. Now that I think about it, it was similar to Holiday in the Sun and Billboard Dad as well... I like to list things in threes but I can't think of another Olsen Movie sooo deal with two. (side note: the kid who played the step bro in Billboard Dad was AT MY APARTMENT last week wooo! Celeb spotting cen-tral-ay). Anyway, yes it was weird, but so was baton twirling and I did that as well until the seventh grade so, all's well that ends well I suppose.

BUT it didn't end well. Because now I'm soo over the Olsen Twins once and for all and I feel like my whole childhood was a sham. The same girl who was SOOO hot in Holiday in the Sun

(I believe the scene where the bro realizes he's in love with her sparked my first pre-teen eating disorder... which lasted all of 10 minutes until Linda brought home "Pizza Palooza" otherwise known as "Pizza-fa-loosahs..." I could never resist PFL) stood in front of me not only plainer than I imagined, but a little schlubbish.

I don't mean to be a traitor to the stars of our generation or anything, but WTF. I guess most child stars go through this bizarre transformation duhhh Michael Jackson and then I guess Rudy from The Cosby Show became a porn star but I know if that DC MKA movie ever happened anywhere outside of my head, I coulda handled it. I mean, look at Shia LaBeouf and Frankie Muniz. They woulda been mah boyyyyz.

Whatever, I guess the point is, when I was young I would have said: if I ever meet either Olsen Twin, (even though I was always Mary Kate HELLO) I would die happy. But I change my mind because really, it was the most anti-climatic celebrity spotting of my life. Even less than when I saw Debra Messing at the gym in the New Jersey Marriot BEFORE Will and Grace even started. The world only knew her as "Stacy" from "Ned and Stacy." I had never seen "Ned and Stacy," but I was more excited to see her than I was Ashley, simply because she played a character allegedly had the same name as me.

SLOANED

June 16th was...

Exactly eight years ago today, I went to a party.  This wasn't just any party, it was Indy Stein (everyone's love of their middle school lives)'s Bar-Mitzvah.  I didn't know then that this party would change my life.  Okay it didn't really, but there was something indescribable about it.

Indy didn't give out socks that said "I rocked my socks off with Indy" (although that would have been convenient because really, who wants to keep their shoes on for the duration of a whole bar-mitzvah?  Certainly not me, those things are unnecessarily long) but he gave out something even better.

Bar-Mitzvah's tend to have themes.  If memory serves me right, Mike Hill's was sports, fitting because he likes sports.  My cousin Maddy's was Japan, fitting because she just returned from living in Japan for three years.  Jessica Buchenholz's was "online with Jessica," fitting because she probably had used the internet at some point in her life.  Then there were more obscure ones for example, Liza Heyman's was simply "L!"  I still have the sweatshirt she gave out, but never wear it in fear people will think I'm a Loser"!"  Which leads me to the next theme: mine.  I will not disclose the nature of it publicly for as long as I live, but those of you who know what it was, try to remember it was a weird stage in my life and I had just quit Baton twirling so it was kind of a step up.

Then there was Indy's.  Which may literally go down in history as the best bar-mitzvah theme ever.  What was it?  One word: Indy.  His name.  "His theme was himself?  How Narcissistic!" You may be thinking.  But that's not how it went down.  First, he made a grand entrance dressed as Indiana Jones con whip.  Such a performer.  Then, the Bar-Mitzvah occurred like any other, that is, until the party favors were opened.  

Make custom t-shirts at CustomInk.com

In honor of the eighth year anniversary of Indy Stein's Bar-Mitzvah, a list compiled over the years by Jenna, Jessica, and myself plus some new ones (rotate to both sides):

Make custom t-shirts at CustomInk.com

Make custom t-shirts at CustomInk.com

(Yes, it was the same day as mine and yes, it was a problem)

Make custom t-shirts at CustomInk.com

Make custom t-shirts at CustomInk.com

Make custom t-shirts at CustomInk.com

Make custom t-shirts at CustomInk.com

Make custom t-shirts at CustomInk.com

Make custom t-shirts at CustomInk.com

The list could go on and on...

Happy ano Indy

Love, Sloan

MTV Movie Awards

Things we NEED to talk about: The MTV Movie Awards.  Were we being Punk'd?  Maybe.   I can't take MTV seriously for at least 2 weeks now.

First things first:  Andy Samberg, marry me.  However, I disagree with your choice to allow LeAnne Rimes, Forest Whitiker, and Chris Isaak to sing a bad medley of your songs. We wanted youuuu, or at least, Justin Timberlake.  It's okay you can make it up to me later.

Let's look at some of the retarded choices the "fans" chose. 

BEST MOVIE 

• Twilight
• The Dark Knight
• High School Musical 3: Senior Year
• Iron Man
• Slumdog Millionaire

Really?  Really?!?  I notice that Slumdog Millionaire is on that list.  Oh wait, oh wait, you're right MTV the Oscars were wrong.  Twilight was soo much deeper.

BEST FEMALE PERFORMANCE

• Angelina Jolie - Wanted
• Anne Hathaway- Bridewars
• Kate Winslet - The Reader
• Kristen Stewart - Twilight
• Taraji P. Henson - The Curious Case of Benjamin Button

Let's talk Kristen Stewart.  First, you're not yet famous enough to be that shit faced at an award show.  That's like Anna Nicole Smith status.  Nor are you famous enough to wear Converse Sneakers to an award show.  That's like Pete Wentz status.  I guess Prince could also pull it off, but he won't.  Respek.  Oh, and although not required, it's typically expected that one washes ones hair before, oh, leaving the house let alone receiving multiple awards for a movie that doesn't deserve it.

BEST MALE PERFORMANCE

• Christian Bale - The Dark Knight
• Robert Downey Jr. - Iron Man
• Shia LaBeouf - Eagle Eye
• Vin Diesel - Fast & Furious
• Zac Efron - High School Musical 3: Senior Year

Zac Efron's hot, and there was that one erotic shirtless scene, but still.  Robert DJ or Christian Bale shouldaaaa won.  Even though I still have a crush on Shia LaBeouf from Even Steven Days, I can't be selfish during these times.

BREAKTHROUGH PERFORMANCE FEMALE

• Amanda Seyfried - Mamma Mia!
• Ashley Tisdale - High School Musical 3: Senior Year
• Freida Pinto - Slumdog Millionaire
• Miley Cyrus- Hannah Montana: The Movie
• Vanessa Hudgens - High School Musical 3: Senior Year
• Kat Dennings - Nick & Norah’s Infinite Playlist

WTF.  I'm not even gonna go there.  ANYONE would have been better.  Nicolas Cage in "Wicker Man" would have been better, and he's not even a female.

MAD.