TEAM JACWARD

The long awaited release of the third Twilight movie, Eclipse, remains relatively successful at the box office with sales up to $162 million after only five days. This figure is somewhat disappointing however, considering it falls a few million dollars behind the previous Twilight film, New Moon. Not to worry, the more important pressing issue is being addressed: Team Edward or Team Jacob?

Social activist fast food chain, “Burger King” seems to be taking this century long debate seriously with it’s new advertising campaign: “The BK Eclipse game.” In an effort to decide who is a more suitable bachelor, Robert Pattinson or Taylor Lautner, Burger King brings in “real Team Edward and Team Jacob members” to plead their case to swing voters who are simply trying to enjoy their Whopper Jr. at BK.

How “real” is the scene? The quality of the acting leads one to believe these campaign members may not be professional performers. However, it is still unclear.

Highlights: teenage girls persuade elderly men one way or the other by addressing major points such as; “you can pet Jacob,” a huge plus!! Or, “Edward has had over 100 years to learn how to love” and everyone knows practice makes perfect. And wrapping up with the rhetorical (?) question; “who would you rather have your granddaughter date: a werewolf or a vampire? To which and old man respectfully replies, “neither.” It is something to think about though.

Everyone knows Jacob has an unfair advantage because he is shirtless for a majority of the movie.

On the other hand, Bella loved Edward first. On the other, other hand, Bella is childhood/family friends with Jacob. Back to the first hand, Robert Pattinson and Kristen Stewart are involved in real life, which always excites people.

Hopefully Burger King can get to the bottom of this. If not, we may have to turn to

Wendy’s for reinforcement, which is never pretty.

This Has Really Been A Year For the Books

As we approach America's b-day (don't bother asking how old she is since every year she claims she's 29, which is a lie) and I've been missing in action since April, let's just do a quick wrap of of the recent past so we are all on the same page:

1) The largest oil spill since the Persian Gulf War.

2) Bizarre, inconvenient weather.

3) A lot of financial stuff I don't really understand.

4) More people than ever who were supposed to be our role models turning out to be sexual predators.

(O-KAY, electoral college, you told me so *sigh*.)

5) The most annoying/difficult to pronounce ash spewing volcano, and although this did not happen on US soil, it f-ed up all our flights, made me sound like an idiot whenever I tried to alk about it, and clogged up my inbox with google alerts about volcanoes. Why I'm still getting them everyday at 11:57? I do not know.

6) The season finale of LOST.

7) And most importantly, the most Smirnoff Ices sold, ever.

(Fig 1: Sorority icing)

It seems like since we owe Korea like, $65 Trillion, and more kids are taking Chinese than ever, (will Spanish become a dying high school language?!? What will happen to Senora Price?!?!) the US is just acting out.

If we're simply trying to set records, can't we just eat the world's largest Philly cheesesteak or something and call it a day?

Sloan-out.