TEAM JACWARD

The long awaited release of the third Twilight movie, Eclipse, remains relatively successful at the box office with sales up to $162 million after only five days. This figure is somewhat disappointing however, considering it falls a few million dollars behind the previous Twilight film, New Moon. Not to worry, the more important pressing issue is being addressed: Team Edward or Team Jacob?

Social activist fast food chain, “Burger King” seems to be taking this century long debate seriously with it’s new advertising campaign: “The BK Eclipse game.” In an effort to decide who is a more suitable bachelor, Robert Pattinson or Taylor Lautner, Burger King brings in “real Team Edward and Team Jacob members” to plead their case to swing voters who are simply trying to enjoy their Whopper Jr. at BK.

How “real” is the scene? The quality of the acting leads one to believe these campaign members may not be professional performers. However, it is still unclear.

Highlights: teenage girls persuade elderly men one way or the other by addressing major points such as; “you can pet Jacob,” a huge plus!! Or, “Edward has had over 100 years to learn how to love” and everyone knows practice makes perfect. And wrapping up with the rhetorical (?) question; “who would you rather have your granddaughter date: a werewolf or a vampire? To which and old man respectfully replies, “neither.” It is something to think about though.

Everyone knows Jacob has an unfair advantage because he is shirtless for a majority of the movie.

On the other hand, Bella loved Edward first. On the other, other hand, Bella is childhood/family friends with Jacob. Back to the first hand, Robert Pattinson and Kristen Stewart are involved in real life, which always excites people.

Hopefully Burger King can get to the bottom of this. If not, we may have to turn to

Wendy’s for reinforcement, which is never pretty.

This Has Really Been A Year For the Books

As we approach America's b-day (don't bother asking how old she is since every year she claims she's 29, which is a lie) and I've been missing in action since April, let's just do a quick wrap of of the recent past so we are all on the same page:

1) The largest oil spill since the Persian Gulf War.

2) Bizarre, inconvenient weather.

3) A lot of financial stuff I don't really understand.

4) More people than ever who were supposed to be our role models turning out to be sexual predators.

(O-KAY, electoral college, you told me so *sigh*.)

5) The most annoying/difficult to pronounce ash spewing volcano, and although this did not happen on US soil, it f-ed up all our flights, made me sound like an idiot whenever I tried to alk about it, and clogged up my inbox with google alerts about volcanoes. Why I'm still getting them everyday at 11:57? I do not know.

6) The season finale of LOST.

7) And most importantly, the most Smirnoff Ices sold, ever.

(Fig 1: Sorority icing)

It seems like since we owe Korea like, $65 Trillion, and more kids are taking Chinese than ever, (will Spanish become a dying high school language?!? What will happen to Senora Price?!?!) the US is just acting out.

If we're simply trying to set records, can't we just eat the world's largest Philly cheesesteak or something and call it a day?

Sloan-out.

Jason Derulo has done it again.

The good that comes from all of this is two fold:

1) it eases the loss I feel about Chris Brown ruining his career

2) this video serves as not only as an expression of dance in front of a dressing room mirror, but also as a honda and iPad commercial.

In other news:

I have decided I will be good in this life so in the next life I can come back as the next Justin Bieber.

Lady Gaga's Alejandro MV was also recently released. However, I must do extensive research on gender roles throughout Latin American history before I tackle that one.

She's sooo weiiiirdd

Divas of the Week: Natural Disasters

After stumbling across this article from January 1st, 2011, I started worrying Y2K style (minus the building a bomb shelter and stocking up on a 3 year supply of canned food, duh because I still have left overs, not to mention I don't even like soup.) It's a time like this, or the 400 ish years surround it, that we have to think about what's really important in life. So here, I face the age old question: should I buy the Apple iPad now? Or wait til the next generation comes out.

Icelandic Volcano Eyjallafjallojokull's drama queen-like behavior is only an indication of what's to come. Other natural disaster are already becoming jealous of all the media attention and are itchy for their 15 minutes of fame. Talk about being famous for being famous...

Is there anything we can do to stop all of this? Mmm, ancient legend seems to point to cat worship. Many years ago I tried this and it did not work mostly because my cat Samantha thinks she is too cool to set aside time for being prayed to. It's not 100% her fault since she spends most of her time trying to make it big as a wall calendar cat model. Although I admire her ambition, this is a huge waste of time considering when asked if Samantha is hot, most cats simply reply “she has a really good personality.”

Dating Jonathan Groff in my Head, and it's Getting Serious...

People across the world are falling head over heels for broadway sexpot Jonathan Groff, best known for his role in Spring Awakening (receiving a Tony for Best Leading Actor in a Musical), In My Life, The Sound of Music but, more importantly, for his role on last night's episode of Glee.

At first it was hard to ignore the firey chemistry between he and co-star Lea Michele, who also performed alongside Groff in Spring Awakening. "There's no way they haven't had sex!" everyone was thinking, "she's definitely not a good enough actress to be faking that."

That is, until wikipedia crushed my heart by confirming Jonathan (yes, we're on a first name basis) is openly gay. Although the thought had crossed my mind, I quickly dismissed it and blamed it on his tight black v-neck but alas... I was right all along.

So the good news is... he doesn't have a girlfriend. This basically means there is still a chance.

Scrabbdiculous

If you thought the Scrabulous-, sorry, Lexulous lawsuit was wack, just wait until you hear this:

According to MSNBC, "Mattel announced plans to release a new version of the popular word game in Britain. That version, to be unveiled in the next few months, will allow celebrity names and other proper nouns to garner points." Luckily, President Barack Obama deemed this illegal in America. The text can be found near the end of the Health Care Reform Bill.

What is and what is not allowed in Scrabble has, and should always be decided by each individual family. For example, we grew up believing; streets we've lived on and names of funny looking family friends are always fair game. How can we throw in celebrities and other proper nouns on top of that? Do we look like animals to you Milton Bradley?!

Not to mention what this will do the dictionary industry! Ruin the economy, why don't you? Who needs this large book of random words when you can get People Magazine for $3.99 at CVS? Reps from Merriam Webster responded, "no comment."

With that I will ask you to sign my petition to allow only celebrity baby names. The enemy will think this is a compromise, but will become angry when they realize they were tricked since all names of celebrities' children are nouns anyway.

THIS is Serious

Sloanehenge Interactive Seriousness Poll:

Which is more serious?

-OR-

Tootsie Pops without the stick (which is obviously the most annoying part) vs. Limited Edition coconut M&Ms ?!?!?!? Both are total game changers...

The Babysitters Club 2.0

So here's what's going on this week in book news: people are way over the new Shakespeare play discovery because honestly, probably no one cared in the first place. They just acted like they did because it seemed like the right thing to do. If someone told you they were reading it, it was a lie. In reality, this news only mattered to comp lit/theater double majors, and the three of them aren't real people anyway.

In more important literary hearsay, Scholastic book publisher is in the midst of re-releasing the 90's classic, "The Babysitters Club." Which, seems awesome until you remember that this was the book that tricked you into thinking babysitting was cool... Then you tried it, and learned the word "fiction" actually means "a huge fucking lie."

It also made you think babysitting would help you get friends. Yet another piece of "fiction" because there you were watching music videos on a stranger's couch while all your friends were learning to play flip cup in Dan Poutas' basement. That's what I call making a memory. Now, when you play in college and suck, people mock you saying, "did you even go to high school?" Ughhh.

Not to mention the first book is titled "Kristi's Great Idea." 1) These characters were supposed to be role models for young girls. The fact that she's Kristi with an I, indicates she is destined to be a huge slutbag. 2). "Great" is an adjective we were always taught to thesaurus, and 3) what a terrible business plan the club really was. They definitely should have made a SWOT analysis first...

Hot New Book Release!!

Coming to a Hudson News location near you!

Scholars far and wide are celebrating the discovery of a newly found Shakespeare play entitled Double Falsehood... Simultaneously, high school students around the world are saying, "shit-- are you kidding me?" Then faking sick.

SPOILER ALERT: David Carnegie, a theater professor reported, "Basically it is a double love story. Two young couples and things go very badly wrong when a prince betrays his closest male friend and steals his mistress as well as betraying his own mistress. Basically everybody goes up into the mountains and goes mad or utterly distraught from love and finally things reach a romantic ending at the finish."

... Then Shakespeare was forced to appear before the Honor Council and was put on Academic Probation for plagiarizing Gossip Girl Season 1. He was last heard muttering, "fuck you, TurnItIn.com." Experts think he should have been expelled, but his Uncle Morie donated the on-campus Hillel House.

Read the real story at the Guardian

Sloanehenge on Vacation

These Are My Confessions

I know I promised I wouldn't turn this into an American Idol blog, but since it's on 5 hours a week, aka that's how I spend 5 hours of my week, give me some leeway.

Confession of the moment: I am sexually attracted to the kid with the mullet on American Idol and I'm not embarrassed nor emotionally upset about it.

Kara Di-who-guardi?

I never thought I'd say this: but I miss Paula Abdul's crying. At least it guided my voting in a productive way. Not to mention Kara dresses significantly less slutty than Paula did, which I can see as a total turn off for the general target demographic.

Sloaned.

The Dangers of Wifi in School Libraryz

If there wasn't free WiFi in the school library, people would complain, I'd be one of them. That being said: there's a greater issue at hand:

Danger #1: There are homeless people playing with googlemaps on the computer which I need to print out an article from JSTOR.

I could be mistaken-- I'm not wearing my glasses. And I know plaid is really in these days, but the "hipster homeless" look hasn't hit Vanderbilt too hard, so I'm probably right.

I'm not a fan of petitions since the people signing them rarely ever know what they're supporting and always run off with the pen, so I guess I'll just get over it. But I want it on the record that I was concerned and voiced it.

Leans

Forget Jeggins (leggings that look like jeans for those of you aliens out there)-- this spring hop on the band wagon for Leans. They're like jeggings on opposite day. The look like leggings but are in fact, jean material. You might be saying: "that sounds both uncomfortable and unnecessary-- why would you want that?"

...I'm not disagreeing with any of that. Don't ask questions.

Sloanehenge gets interactive-->

Trivia Question: In this photo, are those jeans, or jeggings?

Nobody knows. Except I do: they're jeggings, whatt upp.

The REAL Game of Life

I already know exactly how I’m probably going to die. It will be in a car accident and it will be 99.9% my fault according to the rules I learned in drivers ed. On the bright side, since I’m dead, no one can point fingers because that’s insensitive.

I’m feeling peer pressured by the car behind me to prematurely take a left. I’ve already had two “Dammnit, I could have gone” moments. Eventually, I’ll think I have enough time but in fact, will not. Before I know it, I’m crushed by a Tahoe, obviously beige, the worst car color manufactured in all of Detriot. Typical.

The whole vision is very clear except that I can’t make out what kind of car I’m in, which really sucks because I would avoid purchasing that car until I’m ready to die and cheat my fate. I do know the inside is light, but I refuse to buy a car with black interior simply because I don’t like it as much, and it gets too hot in the summer.

From there I will be forced to play a game of chess with the angel of death. I will quickly lose considering I don’t even know the rules-- unless they are the same as checkers, which I have heard, they are not.

The result would be much different if the challenge was “Guess Who”. Or I guess “Clue” but that takes too long and you need a pen, which the Angel of Death rarely ever has on him. When someone asks if he has an extra, his usual response is, “do I look like an Office Max to you?!?!”

I’m usually pretty modest, but I have to say I am unstoppable at “Guess Who”. It’s a fact. That is, unless I pick a person wearing glasses, a person wearing a hat, a person with red hair or a person that is a woman. I don’t care how gifted you are at the game, if any of those conditions befall you, you are automatically screwed. If it isn’t bad enough to have one of those plagues, there is a small chance you can have all four. If this is your fate, aka if you are Claire, I advise you surrender. She also wears earrings, which is a death sentence in itself, but I’m not even going to go there because that’s her own choice.

“Guess Who” was my first exposure to the ideals of conformity. From it I learned it was bad to have a baldhead, to have particularly large defining facial features, or to have hair that covers your ears.

All psychological effects aside, I would still choose it as the platform for my final fight for my life. Unfortunately they don't have Guess Who at the purgatory so I will undoubtedly be beaten by the Angel of Death when I try to play chess-- like I said before, as if it were checkers.

So anyways, that is definitely how I will probably die. The only other option will be that I’m bitten by a vampire for the sole reason that I don’t believe in them and after all this media attention they’ve been receiving lately, they can’t handle that kind of blow to their ego. Ugh celebrities…

This is Serious

The Honey Moon Stage is Over...

... but we still have this hotel room for another 5 nights.

At what age does our parents' kindness stop being annoying? NEGLECT ME GODDAMN IT.

Anyone who really knows me knows I love Linda and Arthur more than anything, but apparently, for only two weeks at a time.

It all started when the following conversation occurred:

INT. DINING ROOM - DAY

I breathe.

My Mom

What're you doing!?!?!?

Me

Um, breathing.

Pause.

Me

Is that okay?

Mom shrugs.

My Mom

Don't eat those almonds.

She removes almonds from coffee table and hides them in a place still unbeknownst to me :(

UGH. First of all, may I be in my own house without getting the 3rd degree? Second of all, ALMONDS ARE HEALTHY! (At least that's what they're saying this week.) If you think I'm fat, stop asking me if I want a different kind of food every 5 minutes.

If this is what being an only child is like, THANK GOD Jewish people rarely only have one kid.